A Culture of Comparison
This term came to me today, when talking with a woman who seems to feel the need to compare everything. Not with malice, but compare nonetheless.
The comparison is often disguised as a compliment, and almost always lands in the other person’s favor. “Oh, your hips are so much narrower than mine.” “Your child is so much calmer than mine.” ”Your house is so much cleaner than mine.” (Please note that most of the time these statements are clearly untrue!)
Then, that begs the horrible back and forth that my DH and I jokingly refer to as the “YSS Dance.” (”You’re so skinny! No, you’re so skinny!”) I love to dance, but for that one I will always rather sit out.
Nobody wins in a culture of comparison. There is no right answer to those comments. What, do you then insult yourself or insist that you, in fact, don’t sleep or clean your house? (I’ve tried this — “Really, you should see all the crumbs under the rug!” — but, ick. What does that accomplish? Who does it make feel better?)
It’s hard not to join the dance, and feel the need to compare myself. And it often feels that if I don’t self-degrade or compare back in return (sometimes I just answer with silence), I’m seen as snooty or rude. It’s a no-win situation.
Really, I just want to say, my silence is in honor of you! You’re above this! Can’t we just be comfortable with ourselves and each other?!
At heart, that is what I think this is really about. Being comfortable enough with ourselves — who we are, what we have, what we look like, all that stuff — that we don’t feel the need to always debate whether we are better or worse off than others.
I know, that’s not an easy task, and I certainly haven’t achieved it fully yet. Perhaps it’s hard-wired, and a crazy notion to think we can change this. But, you know, I’ll take crazy over the “YSS Dance” any day. Why couldn’t we change this?
What do you think would happen if everyone vowed to stop these comparison conversations? Just each and every person stop before saying the comparing thing. Or greet the comparison with a smile and silence. What would our conversations sound like, in the dressing rooms, on the playground?
Do you think it would be different? Would our culture change with this adjustment?
I’d sure like to try it and see.
3 comments January 24, 2008
