Having Enough (In a Have-It-All World)

Well, we pushed a bit too hard over the past month — me with two new projects and DH with some intense work stuff of his own — and, as often happens when we overdo, we all ended up worn-out and with colds.  My stomach is all out of whack, too.

Our bodies do tell us when to slow down, don’t they?  The trick is listening to them.

This time we tried to listen, and stop. So, today, in the middle of the week, instead of a “sick day,” we decided to take a family “health day.”  Concentrate on rest and replenishment.  Only the healthiest food.  Rest.  A trip to the beach to soak in some sea air and sunlight.  It’s helping.  I’ve used many less tissues and my tummy is settling down.

To some, this may seem indulgent.  As for me, I wish we could do it again tomorrow!

I kept thinking today of a segment in the documentary, Sicko, in which a man in France gets cancer, goes through chemo, and, once he is declared cancer-free, instead of going right back to work, he takes three months to recuperate, sail, enjoy his friends.  This was supported and paid for by the French government.

Of course, I can hear the reactions to this now by the ole Puritan-work-ethic Americans who think this guy “took advantage of the system” or was “lazy” for taking three months off of work when he was supposedly “healed.”  But, I think it makes perfect sense.  Healing isn’t just an absence of disease.  It’s not just going back to zero from a deficit.

Healing is storing up rest, energy, healthful foods, companionship, spiritual nourishment, to get our bodies, minds and souls stronger than zero.  To store up extra to prevent other diseases from finding us and for fighting them if they do.

I wish “health days” were more accepted and supported in our culture.  I wish we could all really take the time to heal.  How different do you think the world would be if we actually did?

I admit it, I’ve been watching Celebrity Apprentice, on and off at least.

It’s not what you think. I’m really not a fan of Donald Trump. In fact, quite the opposite. However, one of the contestants on this show — celebrities playing to win big bucks for their favorite charity — is country singer Trace Adkins, who is playing for the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network (FAAN).

Adkins, like us, has a daughter with life-threatening food allergies. Like us, he has had the experience of seeing his little girl go into anaphylactic shock, and like us his lifestyle has been changed by this terrifying result and risk from the previously ordinary activity of eating. (The link above to the show is actually to a clip of Adkins talking about his daughter and food allergies.)

Returning today from a week’s trip across the country to visit my family, we are acutely in tune with this fact of our daughter’s life and ours. We pre-board the planes so my husband can clean out every nook and cranny of the seats before we sit her down (we have found peanuts, one of her severe allergies, lodged between the seats on every flight we’ve taken her on). We have to cook and bring food to every house we visit (her other allergens — tree nuts, sesame seeds, and dairy — are hidden in so many foods) and ask that no one serve fish in her presence (the allergen that forced us to call 911 this fall after she ate just a few bites and went into full-blown anaphylactic shock).

Now, we are nothing but grateful for our daughter, that she survived the anaphylaxis and we have strategies to keep her safe. We know her, and our, fate could be much worse with any number of conditions, circumstances, etc. And we know this is just one part of her many wonderful facets. But, honestly, it’s stressful to deal with food, healthy, normal food, being a potentially lethal substance for your child. It’s everywhere, every social event focuses on it, every book and activity, everything almost, has something to do with eating.

And it is so disturbing to ponder why so many more kids are getting these kind of reactions from food — what has happened with our food supply, our immune systems, our environment? It’s a big issue in our family, and our daughter’s life literally depends on us, and doctors, finding answers to very tough questions.

So, we watch Celebrity Apprentice and root for Trace Adkins, for the big money to go to FAAN. We tear up when he does as he talks about how terrifying it was to see his daughter go into shock, and he will do anything to help her and kids (and adults) like her dealing with this serious condition (that many folks don’t understand is this serious for some people — as Trace says, this is not just allergies that itch, but allergies that can kill you).

We roll our eyes at the egos and consumer spin of the show. But we watch. For us, sometimes it’s just OK to pick our battles. And the battle to find a cure for anaphylactic food allergies is one we will fight, even if ole Trump is involved.

If you’re interested, the finale, with Adkins as one of the two celebrity finalists, is this Thursday night on NBC. His daughter will appear, and viewers will have a chance to donate to FAAN or the other finalist’s charity as well.

This isn’t something I write about too often, but it certainly is something that makes “Having Enough” such a powerful concept in my life. I’m so grateful for FAAN, and for the people who have helped us with our daughter’s condition. And we are literally thankful every day just to eat the simplest of foods and be healthy and OK and together.

(All right, yes, if you watch, you will have to stomach a zillion ads, melodrama, and Omorosa — but, hey, Marilu Henner is on there, too; she’s a peach!)

This month’s (March) “Having Enough” affirmation:

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary
so that the necessary may speak.”
– Hans Hofmann

Stop. Listen. If I cannot hear clearly, I know to unclutter. My home, menu, schedule, closet, mind. What I need to know about my life’s direction, health and relations is there, buried beneath the excess. The process of simplifying brings me great clarity.

Repeat: I eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak.

(By the way, Hans Hofmann was a German abstract expressionist painter and art professor who wrote the book, Search for the Real. I love how his quote refers so aptly to art and life.)

Also, I realize I put last month’s (February) affirmation on my sidebar, but never actually blogged it, so I will repeat it here so it can be cataloged with the others:

“The first health is wealth.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My health is worth more than any possessions or accolades. If I care for my health, I care for my whole self and my loved ones. If I cherish my health, it continues to give me all I need. If I lose my health, I can set my intentions and actions to recover it. A healthy body, mind and soul are true gifts.

Repeat: I cherish and care for the ultimate wealth of my health.

There’s a good interview with Laura Dern in Delicious Living this month (the free mag you get at certain natural groceries) about how she is supporting an organization called Healthy Child, Healthy World that works to create healthy environments (particularly toxin-free homes) for children.

Dern talks in the interview about how she has always questioned having products in the home that must be locked up because they are poison, a thought that solidified with her once she had kids (her hubby is musician Ben Harper and they have two kids).

She describes her family’s “less is more” mantra; gotta love that.  It’s a nice, easy mantra to remember when making any buying decision, or planning decision, or any decision really. Less is more. It works.

And Dern also says she cleans with vinegar and lavendar oil (OK, do you think she really cleans her own house?).  Maybe I need to make that next step from the “natural” cleaning products (Seventh Generation, BioKleen, Mrs. Meyers) I buy now!

What would you do? This question comes not from me, but from an amazing woman I’ve “met” through the blogging world. Her name is Jen Ballantyne, and she is a 39-year-old Australian “mum” of two who is in the hellish depths of a losing battle with colon cancer, which she documents on her blog, The Comfy Place.

The depths meaning it is awesome that she carries her ravaged, exhausted body through each day. But, she does. Awesome that she stays emotionally connected to her friends, and pours love onto her beautiful little boys even as she is in constant pain. But, she does. Awesome that she can express on the page what it is like to deal with death so young, to experience her body turning on her, to leave behind her beloved children. But, she does. Awesome. Heartbreaking and awesome.

Reading Jen’s blog makes me ache, humbles me, and teaches me. It reminds me that as I strive to live in a “having enough” way, I still have much to learn and a long way to go.

So, Jen, as requested, my answer to your question — If you had a year to live, what would you do? — is this:

I would not change what I have, who I share my life with, what I do for work, or where I go. I have had enough accomplishments, travels, and possessions to last many lifetimes. I would not change that I spend all of my days and nights with my precious child.

What I would change, though, is how I deal with the everyday challenges and questions.

• I would learn to let go — of what this person did or said, or how that person chooses to see the world. I would learn to just embrace them, forgive them, or release them, and let them be.
• I would learn to meditate — find that quiet space and connection with things beyond that I think so much about, but don’t actually experience with my whole being.
• I would stop getting testy with my loved ones, or anyone, when I am stressed or anxious. I would learn to stop, breathe, and always be kind.
• I would not sweat the small stuff, but always remember the big picture.

Of course, these are the lessons I am constantly striving to learn. And, in a more tangible sense, there are things I would do for my daughter in terms of writings, videos and art that I would make for her to have always. But, really, what I would change is not so tangible, just a deeper way of seeing each and every moment and dealing with each situation.

Motivated by Jen, I’ve been working even harder on these lessons now. I’ve let go of several things this week that I struggled with. My DD and I just came home from the library with a meditation/mindfulness CD set for me (and a bag full of books for her!). Small steps, but steps.

If this amazing mom can keep calm and collected (and fall apart, too, as she deserves to!), but most importantly, keep full of love when it seems she has been given the unfairest of lots, then I certainly must be able to do the same without such struggles.

Thank you, Jen, for your question, your candor, and your inspiration. You are the epitome of “having enough” in your outlook, although in this case I will say that you could rightly argue that you have not been given enough time with your dear children. Still, they will know you through the loving words and memories you have created and are creating for them.

If only all of us could live these lessons in Jen’s honor. What a beautiful world it would be.

So, my daughter and I have pretty much gone from one nasty cold to another and into awful stomach flu these past few weeks. And, as most of us know, everything else falls by the wayside when we don’t have our health.

I have thought about this a lot in the context of having enough, and I always come back to it. Health is the most basic need we have. If we have it, so much is possible. If we struggle with it, all of the other “things” so clearly matter less.

Health has always been an issue for me, several nagging, chronic conditions affecting me since childhood. Nothing life-threatening in the immediate sense, but once I got honest with myself, life-altering enough to make some major changes. It’s all connected, of course. Our physical health, our mental health, our relationships, our work.

As my physical health has been compromised here lately, all of the other pieces seem harder to keep going. Now that I am finally feeling un-sick again, I am having to check back in with myself on the commitments I’ve made over the past ten years to keep my body, mind, and soul feeling healthy.

So, here are my reminders:

- Healthy Food (if it grows, eat it)

- Water!

- Joyful Movement

- Rest

- Simplicity!

- Following My Gut (and speaking my truth)

- Attention First to Loved Ones (including myself)

So basic are these, and yet so easy to lose track of sometimes. And, for me, these principles are the key to my good health. I’m going to focus intently on these commitments again in days ahead, and get me and my girl back to our healthy, immune-system-strong selves. It takes work. And it’s OK to falter sometimes and get back on the path.

And, on a related note, let’s just say, health care is one of my very top issues in this current and coming election (have you seen Sicko yet?). Our health, its gift, is the verymost basic “enough” we are granted, and grant ourselves.

That all said, please see the sidebar for this month’s affirmation, to our health!

I had this odd dream the other night.

My DH and I were sitting at the foot of our bed watching one of my friends give us a “fashion show” of her new bathing suits. Only maybe she was actually modeling new plastic surgery for us, because my friend did not have her own body, she suddenly had a Victoria’s Secret body.

You know the one I’m talking about — large, perky breasts with just the right cleavage, then tiny, toned and fatless from the tummy down.  The body (with interchangeable heads) that prances in our faces in Victoria’s Secret commercials any time we turn on network television after 7 p.m.

So, in this dream, after a couple of my VS-bodied friend’s catwalks up and down our hallway-runway, I got annoyed at my husband for just being there, clear to both of us I was having issues with her body (and it’s potential appeal to my husband).

He said to me, smiling, “What’s the matter, Megan?  You’re comfortable with your body.”

And I snapped back, “Nobody’s that comfortable!”

I woke up, told him about the dream and had to laugh.  The exchange was oddly true-to-life.  And I had commented on those commercials the night before, in my usual feminist media studies teacher way, noting how often we see the ads even just watching a couple hours of TV a week.

Dream husband is right, I am generally comfortable with my body — but it was a long road getting here.  I went through high school in dance classes feeling fat and watching friends battle anorexia and bulimia, myself sometimes eating only an apple at school all day and then gorging when I got home, and even trying appetite suppresant pills a friend gave me (the only drugs I ever tried through high school and college!).  That was all with a rare mother who had a healthy body image, and being naturally thin myself.

It took years of talking and writing, finding friends with healthier body images, taking women’s studies classes in college, and intensely studying gender representations and media in graduate school to truly (almost completely) let go of those deep-seated body issues and feel really good in my skin.  I did my Master’s research on The Vagina Monologues, performed in the play three times (!), and I taught college classes in which we tore apart images of women in media.

And, still, I had this Victoria’s Secret dream.

The battle for healthy body image in this culture, for women and increasingly for men, is still raging as wildly as certain other undesirable wars.  Even young women (and not-so-young women) who are given every positive message at home must still deal with unrelenting media images of unrealistic, ridiculously seductive women’s bodies that supposedly define “perfection,” thus leaving us to simply buy more and more products in attempt to achieve an impossible look. (Airbrushing. Need I say more?)

I think often about how I will attempt to help my daughter through this inevitable fact of growing up now, female and American.

Then I come across a book like BODY DRAMA: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers by Nancy Redd and I get a breath of renewed hope for my dear little girl. Actually, I sing Hallelujah!!

When MotherTalk sent a call for reviewers of this new book, I emphatically pleaded my case to review it. I wanted to see what this twenty-something former Miss America swimsuit competition winner and Harvard women’s studies graduate had to say to all the young women out there about their bodies.

Bottom line, what Nancy Redd says, and shows, girls and women in this book is, in a word, revolutionary.

It’s not for the prim our faint-hearted, I warn you. Although I also think those are the ones who may need this book most. Nancy Redd leaves no taboo body topic undiscussed — or photographed — in this book, unlike any I’ve ever seen.  (Not at all shocking to this Vagina Monologues veteran, but I have no doubt this book will be burned in certain sectors, like many truth-telling tales before it.)

I actually worried a bit at first sight of chapters titled “Boobs” and “Down There” that she wasn’t going to deal with serious issues or take a feminist (read: woman-affirming) perspective.  But, in reading the book, I see that she uses these titles to ease girls into the chapters and make them more accessible.

Once inside, Nancy does the serious work of talking straight with her readers about real issues they may face, all the while underlying every discussion with a message to learn to embrace your body and respect yourself, and be healthy without striving for “perfect.”  She does an excellent job of tearing apart media images of women, in a comfortable “girlfriend” tone.

BODY DRAMA shows photos of (incredibly brave!) young women, and all their unmentionable body parts, to give the rest of us peace of mind that our bodies are “normal.”  (Seriously, I love these girls.)  And the book takes on airbrushing (hallelujah!) with a photo spread every person needs to see (page 240). 

This amazing young author set out to write the “book she wished she had” growing up female in America (and in the beauty pageant circuit) to help her deal with her body.  She uses important research (backed by a Dr. Angela Diaz, Director of the Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center), and courageously reveals her own very personal experiences, to give young women the tools to embrace themselves and all of their uncomfortable bits.  

This book is a gift to everyone, really — teenage girls, teenage boys, their parents.  It makes women real again in this culture of highly unrealistic images of women.

And she even taught this teacher a few things!  

In an interview, Redd says she faced a lot of scrutiny while writing this book, and I sincerely applaud her bravery and faith for continuing on and getting it published as it is.  She says her most important advice to young women and their mothers is “to talk!” She explains that, as close as she and her mother were, they never had “the talk,” as she calls it, saying, “nor did she share any of her personal body dramas with me, which left me at a total disadvantage growing up.”

I can relate to this.  As mothers, we all try our best to equip our daughters for this complicated world, while also just being women navigating this complicated world ourselves.  

For me, I will take Nancy’s advice and talk with my daughter about body dramas as she grows, and I’m saving this book as a tool for later, when we need to discuss some of the most uncomfortable body dramas (and especially ones I didn’t have to deal with as a teen myself — the body piercing stuff? bikini waxing?).  She will have plenty of body dramas. I have them. (Even still in my dreams!)  And Nancy Redd takes them on with courage, knowledge, humility and compassion.

Thank you, Nancy Redd, for BODY DRAMA, and for sending the message to women young and old and everywhere that our bodies, as they are, are enough.   

I was lucky to “cyber-meet” writer mama Amy Mercer when we participated together in an online writing class taught by the “official” Writer Mama, Christina Katz. (That class, and Christina, were the impetus for me launching this blog, by the way!). The Writers on the Rise class was on platform-building for writers, and many of us were struggling to define our platform (mission statement, focus), questioning, kvetching, trying on this and that.

Amy was one of the only class participants who had her platform down from day one, and just needed a nudge in launching it. Amy’s platform is about being a woman with diabetes, and helping other women with diabetes, especially younger ones who are living through what she already has.

I instantly became sucked into Amy’s platform — her blog, articles, and books-to-be — because I know well that health is the absolute, fundamental foundation of “having enough.” Without our health, everything looks different, every challenge is harder. And Amy has faced this reality every day for most of her life, with dire consequences if she doesn’t. She did this as a teenager. And now as a 36-year-old woman with kids. And a writing career. She has a lot to share with us.

Here are Amy’s answer’s to my “four questions”:

1) What does “having enough” mean to you?

Having enough. Hmmmmm….I don’t know if I’ve ever believed I had enough. I am definitely a grass is always greener kind of girl and I struggle with that straight jacket on an almost daily basis.

As a woman who quit her well paying job when my first child was born, and haven’t gone back yet, my husband and I have been living on a fixed income for what feels like forever. I want to be the kind of person for who living within my means is a lifestyle choice, the kind of person who recycles her children’s clothing, who lives in a small house, drives an old car and cooks dinner every night because it’s better for the environment not because I can’t afford to go shopping, buy a bigger house or go out to dinner more often.

I even want to be the kind of person who writes just because I love to write, the kind of person who doesn’t care about being published, but that’s just not me. I think the only thing I’m sure I have enough of, is my two boys!

2) What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

On that note, I do cringe at the idea of having it all. I believe we are a wasteful culture and I alternate between being green with envy and feeling nauseous when I see the giant homes, giant SUV’s, giant bodies eating giant portions (not envious here) around me.

I grew up in New England and come from a family that believes, “Everything in moderation” is the way to go. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 14 years old so having it all, as far as food was concerned, was never an option for me. So it’s probably my Protestant/Diabetic upbringing that is very anti-having it all.

3) How do you define success?

To me, the definition of success is a mixed bag. I know I feel best on the days when I have woken up well rested with a good blood sugar reading, had a great morning run, got my kids off to school without too much trouble and can come home to write.

I feel successful when I am on a roll writing, when something I write gets published, when someone likes the story idea I want to tell. I felt successful the other day when I apologized to my son for being grouchy and he said, “that’s okay mom, you’re a famous writer!” (my name was in the paper that day for a book signing!) I’ll feel successful when a book publisher agrees to publish my anthology, Dreaming About Water, a collection of personal essays and practical advice by and for women living with diabetes.

4) Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

The moment that stands out for me is when I quit my job. I knew I couldn’t go back to work and leave my new baby with a nanny or a day care provider. I didn’t care what kind of sacrifices we had to make, I was ready to sell our house and move into something more affordable so I could stay home with Will. There was just no way I was going to do anything but.

I am an introvert by nature, I am not someone who is comfortable asking for what I want but this time I knew I had to. I stood up for myself and refused to back down from that decision and I have never regretted it.

********************************************
Readers, how does health factor into your vision of “having enough”? Do you take your health for granted? How do you deal with health challenges?