Having Enough (In a Have-It-All World)

I am totally and completely blown away by a woman in Takoma Park, Maryland (my mother’s hometown, by the way) — a mom, artist, writer — who has just traveled to Rwanda on a mission to help one family and a village full of shining girls get an education and opportunities we Americans all usually take for granted.

Please check out Jen Lemen’s blog — her photos and stories and words and lessons have brought me to tears and a state of awe.  What she is teaching her daughter, through her own actions, is something I aspire to.  You go, Jen!

My husband and I like to consider ourselves the original Jack Johnson fans. DH watched his surf videos before he ever had an album. We went to see him in little SoCal clubs before many people knew who he was (now he fills stadiums and graces the cover of Rolling Stone).  We even got to talk to him on the phone once (sigh).

And, each album, we become bigger fans as Jack continues to address issues important to us (and sing groovy love songs to his wife, too).  He has sung about media and consumerism in wonderfully insightful ways on previous albums, and on his latest, Sleep Through the Static, a much quieter album than the rest, he takes on war, global warming, and our country’s perilously proud, hypocritical position in world politics at present.

Check out Jack, if you don’t already love him (how could you not? oh, don’t tell me if you don’t!).  And, here are the melancholy but lovely lyrics to track one of the new album, a track I keep listening to over and over (track 2 is about the war, also amazing…):

All at once
The world can overwhelm me
Theres almost nothing you could tell me
That could ease my mind

Which way will you run
When it’s always all around you?
And the feeling lost and found you again
A feeling that we have no control

Around a sun some say
Is gonna be the new hell some say
It’s still too early to tell some say
But it really ain’t no myth at all

We keep asking ourselves
Are we really strong enough?
There’s so many things that we got
Too proud of
Too proud of
Too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off and instead we’ll plant some seeds
We’ll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart
The roots grow deeper
The branches
Will they reach for what?
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There’s this heart all alone

What about when it’s gone?
And it really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels
Like a heart is no place
To be singing from at all

There’s a world we’ve never seen
There’s still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all could blow away with the breeze
If you’re waiting on the wind
Don’t forget to breathe
‘Cause as the darkness gets deeper
We’ll be sinking as we reach for love
At least something we can hold
But I’ll reach to you from where time just can’t go

What about when it’s gone?
And it really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all.

There’s a good interview with Laura Dern in Delicious Living this month (the free mag you get at certain natural groceries) about how she is supporting an organization called Healthy Child, Healthy World that works to create healthy environments (particularly toxin-free homes) for children.

Dern talks in the interview about how she has always questioned having products in the home that must be locked up because they are poison, a thought that solidified with her once she had kids (her hubby is musician Ben Harper and they have two kids).

She describes her family’s “less is more” mantra; gotta love that.  It’s a nice, easy mantra to remember when making any buying decision, or planning decision, or any decision really. Less is more. It works.

And Dern also says she cleans with vinegar and lavendar oil (OK, do you think she really cleans her own house?).  Maybe I need to make that next step from the “natural” cleaning products (Seventh Generation, BioKleen, Mrs. Meyers) I buy now!

What would you do? This question comes not from me, but from an amazing woman I’ve “met” through the blogging world. Her name is Jen Ballantyne, and she is a 39-year-old Australian “mum” of two who is in the hellish depths of a losing battle with colon cancer, which she documents on her blog, The Comfy Place.

The depths meaning it is awesome that she carries her ravaged, exhausted body through each day. But, she does. Awesome that she stays emotionally connected to her friends, and pours love onto her beautiful little boys even as she is in constant pain. But, she does. Awesome that she can express on the page what it is like to deal with death so young, to experience her body turning on her, to leave behind her beloved children. But, she does. Awesome. Heartbreaking and awesome.

Reading Jen’s blog makes me ache, humbles me, and teaches me. It reminds me that as I strive to live in a “having enough” way, I still have much to learn and a long way to go.

So, Jen, as requested, my answer to your question — If you had a year to live, what would you do? — is this:

I would not change what I have, who I share my life with, what I do for work, or where I go. I have had enough accomplishments, travels, and possessions to last many lifetimes. I would not change that I spend all of my days and nights with my precious child.

What I would change, though, is how I deal with the everyday challenges and questions.

• I would learn to let go — of what this person did or said, or how that person chooses to see the world. I would learn to just embrace them, forgive them, or release them, and let them be.
• I would learn to meditate — find that quiet space and connection with things beyond that I think so much about, but don’t actually experience with my whole being.
• I would stop getting testy with my loved ones, or anyone, when I am stressed or anxious. I would learn to stop, breathe, and always be kind.
• I would not sweat the small stuff, but always remember the big picture.

Of course, these are the lessons I am constantly striving to learn. And, in a more tangible sense, there are things I would do for my daughter in terms of writings, videos and art that I would make for her to have always. But, really, what I would change is not so tangible, just a deeper way of seeing each and every moment and dealing with each situation.

Motivated by Jen, I’ve been working even harder on these lessons now. I’ve let go of several things this week that I struggled with. My DD and I just came home from the library with a meditation/mindfulness CD set for me (and a bag full of books for her!). Small steps, but steps.

If this amazing mom can keep calm and collected (and fall apart, too, as she deserves to!), but most importantly, keep full of love when it seems she has been given the unfairest of lots, then I certainly must be able to do the same without such struggles.

Thank you, Jen, for your question, your candor, and your inspiration. You are the epitome of “having enough” in your outlook, although in this case I will say that you could rightly argue that you have not been given enough time with your dear children. Still, they will know you through the loving words and memories you have created and are creating for them.

If only all of us could live these lessons in Jen’s honor. What a beautiful world it would be.

One day last spring, I typed “writer mama” into GoodSearch (a great do-good alternative to the typical search engines, BTW) and up came the world of Christina Katz. I’m still not quite sure why I GoodSearch-ed that term, but I am quite sure I was meant to connect with Christina, the original Writer Mama (or at least the most savvy, as she claimed the title first!), who lives and works in the lovely state of Oregon.

I read Christina’s great first book from Writer’s Digest Books, Writer Mama: How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids and took her excellent online class, Platform-Building for Writers, from which this very blog was born. (She’s now hard at work on her top-secret next book for Writer’s Digest Books.)

Along with teaching hundreds of students through her Writers on the Rise site, book-writing, and publishing two zines, Christina has written over two hundred articles for magazines, newspapers, and online publications and has appeared on Good Morning America. She’s also a wife to a teacher-husband (woohoo!) and mother to one daughter (double woohoo!). In short, she is an example and a mentor to writer mamas everywhere (including me).

It is my great fortune that Christina invited me to be a new columnist for her zine, Writer Mama. (And she announced this yesterday on her very popular blog, so exciting!) I couldn’t be more thrilled about writing this column, which starts in January, and the topic she chose for me is more than perfect. (More details to come!)

Of course, it is only fitting that I asked the original writer mama to participate in a Four-Question Interview here at Having Enough. Her answers are insightful and telling of who she is, and why she is so successful at what she does (in short, because she loves it — at length, check out how her snappy mind works…).

1) What does “having enough” mean to you?

Today, it means that I have “enough” work on my plate and I have to say “No” or “Not now” to folks I hate to disappoint. But I think moms, and especially moms who write are challenged to prioritize all the time. And every once in awhile we realize that our “open door policies” need to be revisited.

2) What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

I think that we already have enough. We are blessed to live in the most amazing country in the world with all of the freedoms and pleasures that come with that privilege. I can say “No” because I don’t need more, more, more. I have enough. I am enough. You are enough. And enough is enough.

3) How do you define success?

Heeding my inner calling and growth gaged by my instincts, not external measurements.

4) Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

Hmm. This is an interesting question because I am really a “Yes, please, I’ll have some more” kind of person. So I guess I don’t see it as black and white. I see it as there are times when more is appropriate” and there are times when enough is enough. I think the key word here is “pushing.”

The definition of pushing implies will. Will can be fine in the sense of being strong-willed or knowing your own will. But will becomes a problem when it’s “self will run riot,” as they say in twelve step programs.

In other words, when will is out of control, that’s a problem. Be we mustn’t be too quick to judge.

What I notice is that most women, including myself, are afraid to ask for more. And so we don’t. And then we feel crummy. And perhaps this makes us more willful. Powerlessness is not a good feeling.

I’d say that the solution is to expect more and ask for more with realistic and reasonable expectations. And be sure that the more that you are working on is actually meaningful to you personally.

Nature is wired for more. So it’s not unnatural. There is the sowing and the reaping. Also there is so much more than meets the eye going on in this world. These are perennial truths. So I think we need to be careful not to wage war against “more.”

More is essentially good. Except when it’s already enough.

Thanks, Christina! Readers, what are your thoughts on “more”?

I get a newsletter called Funds for Writers, and its publisher, Hope Clark, included this quote in the October edition:

WORDS OF SUCCESS

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared,
ambition inspired, and success achieved.
~ Helen Keller

It’s a great, thought-provoking quote, and it is by Helen Keller, whom I have always found one of the most intriguing figures in modern life. In fact, I got a bit obsessed with her in high school. I went to a performing arts magnet school, where we put on elaborate plays and musicals. I lobbied for The Miracle Worker, the story of Keller and her amazing teacher Annie Sullivan, for some time (alas, to no avail) .

I wrote my senior AP English capstone project about Helen Keller. I read all of her books (there are many — a great start is her The Story of My Life) and wrote a play about an incident in which she was accused of plagiarizing a children’ s story. In her writing, Keller referred to this plagiarism accusation as the worst thing that ever happened to her.

This is a woman who was deaf and blind. And being accused of dishonesty, when she sincerely did not believe she had committed the offense, was way worse to her than any of her so-called disabilities. What does this say to us about Keller’s approach to life, her attitude?

To me, what has always been so intriguing about Helen Keller is that she took what so many of us would see as impossible obstacles in stride. She did not find them as important as bigger issues in our times and among people. And she based her idea of success in life not around her disabilities, but around her relationships with others. The more I read of her writings, the more I understood the power of this.

Many who have not read her deeply may think of Helen Keller only as a champion for the blind and deaf. Which she was, of course. But in her mind that did not nearly define her. What defined her was her character, particularly in relation to the people in her life. And when her integrity and character were questioned by one of those people, she found that way worse than any external “problem” she ever had.

A lot of times, when women in particular prioritize relationships over some other external aspect of success we are considered “weak.” Yet, I think Keller’s approach to life is the strongest, most powerful way to live. If we focus on our connections with one another — attempting to grow and learn together, to give and take, to become deeper and more compassionate people through our relationships — how much more can we accomplish than if we try to live in our own little boxes and think only of #1?

If anyone can give power to this idea it is Helen Keller. She did live in a figurative box, with no sight or sound at a time when people truly believed this meant no life. She found ways to communicate and to love — with the help of others, of course. And at the end of her days, she saw those deep connections with others as the highest testament to who she was — her greatest successes.

It’s not easy to be interconnected as we are, to communicate clearly, to understand one another’s intentions. But, taking a lesson from one of my long-time heroes, for me, the greatest successes in my life revolve more around my deep connections with the people in it — and thus a deeper connection with myself and with something way bigger than me — than any independent accomplishment I could name.