Having Enough (In a Have-It-All World)

For many of us “educated folks,” much value is put on whether we are “using our brains” in our day-to-day lives. There’s an idea (what I believe to be a fallacy) that stay-home-parenting doesn’t use one’s brain.

Try answering the question, “Mommy, why do birds eat worms?”

Try coming up with a creative way to coax a wiley two-year-old to get into the bathtub.

Try to notice your own behavior as you react to inane situations like beets smeared all over the table, and then behave as a person you’d want to emulate.

Yes, of course, parenting little ones can have those days of finger-painting for more hours than your patience might enjoy easily, and conversations with too many one-syllable words (like “no!”). But, I think the question of whether we “use our brains” as stay-at-home parents is, as usual, one of perspective.

We can see all of this mommy/daddy work as vapid and useless to the higher-learned society. Or we can see this work as challenging, rewarding, and incredibly meaningful as we shape the next generation’s leaders (we can only hope). We can see how we must stretch our minds and our spirits to parent consciously, to challenge ourselves and our kids.

I realize that the “using our brains” panic is much more loaded than this, and is entwined with all kinds of social structures that make it very hard for parents to have well-paid, professional, part-time positions that would allow for some official “brain work” during the intense years of parenting, as so many people want (documented brilliantly by Miriam Peskowitz in The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars — yes, this is one of my favorite books!). I realize that this is often a veiled complaint about our lack of options and support for real career/family balance, even for those of us in the privileged sectors of society.

But, we can still fight for more options, and see these societal problems, and still, at the same time, appreciate the work we do as full-time parents as just as brainy as our outside jobs — just a different kind of brainy.

By the way, my answer was, “Because they’re warm and squirmy and fun for birds, and they fit in their little throats.” (I’m still trying to think of a better one.)

Happy Mother’s Day, a little late (I was busy enjoying yesterday).

One of the experiences that led me to create Having Enough was deciding four-plus years ago to leave my doctoral program after four years of graduate study. It was an agonizing decision at the time, but now clearly so the right one for me. After I left, I became a career counselor for graduate students at my research university for two years and saw the same angst I had felt, amplified, in many of the PhD students who came to my office every day.

I saw a cult of overachievers living under a single definition of success (read: tenured professor) that was wreaking havoc on the mental health of so many people who chose to pursue this path of higher learning. I saw the stats that showed high divorce rates among graduate students, and a Berkeley study that revealed a shocking number of graduate students who had considered suicide. And I saw a structure and culture of academic life that did not broadly support alternative definitions of success.

Once I released myself from the singular definition of success, everything lightened. I appreciate my graduate education, and use it all the time, but I’m glad I removed myself from that path and that culture (on an everyday level, at least). And I’m glad I became a counselor for a time there, to see that I actually did have something to contribute, and a way to make a difference for some folks.

So, now I’m a freelance writer/editor (my pre-grad school career made new) and a mom. I’ve kind of “been there, done that” with the PhD thing. And, yet, it keeps coming back to me in new ways, reminding me that although I may have moved past that particular stage and have opened up my own definition of success, there are still many grad students struggling and looking for a voice to tell them they can see things through other lenses.

There still may be a need for people “on the outside” to offer alternative ideas to challenge the academic status quo, and perhaps open things up for future generations of academics (my parents are academics, and I do still love and value higher education, and always will). And I still clearly have things to learn and do in this particular arena; it’s still offering me amazing opportunities.

For example, I’m thrilled to now be a part of a team of writers who make up the forthcoming Mama, PhD anthology, and the Mama, PhD blog on Inside Higher Ed. I’ll be offering career advice on transitioning from academia (or choosing whether to) every Monday on the blog (my first column is here).

I’m grateful to Caroline Grant and Elrena Evans, co-editors of Mama, PhD, for giving me the opportunity to be a part of it — and to the amazing Miriam Peskowitz for introducing me to these fine women and editors.

What I keep thinking this week, as this new project launches and all the other bits and pieces of life occur, is that when we follow our passions and our gut, we really do end up doing the right jobs, landing in the right places, and meeting the right people who are going to push us where we need to go to grow. Following these parts of ourselves is not always easy — in some subcultures especially — and we certainly must experience what’s not right to appreciate what is.

But, boy, is it easier now to listen to those inner voices instead of the outer ones. Who knew?

My brother and I (we’re 15 months apart) are the eldest grandchildren in a large family (well, family gatherings on each side are about 25 people, so whatever size you consider that). We’re both in our mid-30’s (he’s pushing late, I’m still mid!). Many of our cousins are in or just graduating from college.

Now, as several cousins have graduated in the last couple years, and another couple are graduating this year, I’m noticing a trend. Many of them are starting out making more than my and my husband’s current household income. Starting out. At 22. Making more than we make now.

Granted, they are engineers, architects and accountants to our teacher/writer cultural-creative-type existence. But, one has created a highly successful cheerleading mix and choreography practice — certainly creative — and his MySpace page says he earns, well, between equal to and more than we earn.

Does this bother me? Honestly, no. I’m really OK with it because I’m OK with my life. More than OK. I like my life, and we’re not wanting for anything (except, perhaps, some extended family in town to babysit now and then — maybe some of these cousins will pick SoCal?!).  And, I’m happy for them and really proud of them for getting educated and doing productive and satisfying work.

But, is it a little strange to think about this income equation? Honestly, yes. These are kids I remember as newborns, who I held and burped and rocked to sleep. And their starting salary out of college rivals mine as I approach mid-life.  Even the ones still in college seem to have a standard of living (read: disposable income) that’s more than I ever had, even at my top salary days as a corporate copywriter.

I suppose it’s strangest when it comes time for housewarming or graduation gifts, and I’m supposed to be the “elder” helping them get them started in their adult lives. And, really, I can afford less than they can.

To them, $50 gift cards to Crate & Barrel or Amazon.com are expected.  To me, that’s more than we’re spending on our own kid’s holiday gifts this year.  It’s too much. And, yet, to them it’s in keeping with their standard of living. And, they are working for the money (well, most of them).  I don’t begrudge them their desire for $50 gift cards; I just can’t afford them.

What I think I’m going to start doing is just writing something for each cousin — a memory of who they were as a child, in relation to who they are upon graduation.  Maybe send a small token with it. But it will be something I found at an outlet store or craft shop, not a whopping gift card. The great part is, I think they will appreciate it. And, if certain ones don’t, they have plenty of other $50 gift cards to focus on.

For me, I’m seeing that a big part of “having enough” is not worrying about the expectations of others, and not focusing on comparisons to others. Even when those others are the “little” cousins I babysat, who are now taking over the world.  I can truly be happy for other people’s success (especially these young family members’) and yet not feel compelled to participate in their standard of living.

It takes a little more effort to write a long letter, or find a bargain trinket of good taste, and send it to them.  But I hope, in the end, it will mean something — perhaps even more than what they had asked for.  And I hope it sends a message that we can all be content to live within our means, whatever those means may be.

These cousins are graduating into a vastly different world than I graduated into, less than 15 years ago.  I have a lot to learn from them. And, maybe, just maybe, they can learn a little something from me, too.

One day last spring, I typed “writer mama” into GoodSearch (a great do-good alternative to the typical search engines, BTW) and up came the world of Christina Katz. I’m still not quite sure why I GoodSearch-ed that term, but I am quite sure I was meant to connect with Christina, the original Writer Mama (or at least the most savvy, as she claimed the title first!), who lives and works in the lovely state of Oregon.

I read Christina’s great first book from Writer’s Digest Books, Writer Mama: How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids and took her excellent online class, Platform-Building for Writers, from which this very blog was born. (She’s now hard at work on her top-secret next book for Writer’s Digest Books.)

Along with teaching hundreds of students through her Writers on the Rise site, book-writing, and publishing two zines, Christina has written over two hundred articles for magazines, newspapers, and online publications and has appeared on Good Morning America. She’s also a wife to a teacher-husband (woohoo!) and mother to one daughter (double woohoo!). In short, she is an example and a mentor to writer mamas everywhere (including me).

It is my great fortune that Christina invited me to be a new columnist for her zine, Writer Mama. (And she announced this yesterday on her very popular blog, so exciting!) I couldn’t be more thrilled about writing this column, which starts in January, and the topic she chose for me is more than perfect. (More details to come!)

Of course, it is only fitting that I asked the original writer mama to participate in a Four-Question Interview here at Having Enough. Her answers are insightful and telling of who she is, and why she is so successful at what she does (in short, because she loves it — at length, check out how her snappy mind works…).

1) What does “having enough” mean to you?

Today, it means that I have “enough” work on my plate and I have to say “No” or “Not now” to folks I hate to disappoint. But I think moms, and especially moms who write are challenged to prioritize all the time. And every once in awhile we realize that our “open door policies” need to be revisited.

2) What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

I think that we already have enough. We are blessed to live in the most amazing country in the world with all of the freedoms and pleasures that come with that privilege. I can say “No” because I don’t need more, more, more. I have enough. I am enough. You are enough. And enough is enough.

3) How do you define success?

Heeding my inner calling and growth gaged by my instincts, not external measurements.

4) Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

Hmm. This is an interesting question because I am really a “Yes, please, I’ll have some more” kind of person. So I guess I don’t see it as black and white. I see it as there are times when more is appropriate” and there are times when enough is enough. I think the key word here is “pushing.”

The definition of pushing implies will. Will can be fine in the sense of being strong-willed or knowing your own will. But will becomes a problem when it’s “self will run riot,” as they say in twelve step programs.

In other words, when will is out of control, that’s a problem. Be we mustn’t be too quick to judge.

What I notice is that most women, including myself, are afraid to ask for more. And so we don’t. And then we feel crummy. And perhaps this makes us more willful. Powerlessness is not a good feeling.

I’d say that the solution is to expect more and ask for more with realistic and reasonable expectations. And be sure that the more that you are working on is actually meaningful to you personally.

Nature is wired for more. So it’s not unnatural. There is the sowing and the reaping. Also there is so much more than meets the eye going on in this world. These are perennial truths. So I think we need to be careful not to wage war against “more.”

More is essentially good. Except when it’s already enough.

Thanks, Christina! Readers, what are your thoughts on “more”?

I get a newsletter called Funds for Writers, and its publisher, Hope Clark, included this quote in the October edition:

WORDS OF SUCCESS

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared,
ambition inspired, and success achieved.
~ Helen Keller

It’s a great, thought-provoking quote, and it is by Helen Keller, whom I have always found one of the most intriguing figures in modern life. In fact, I got a bit obsessed with her in high school. I went to a performing arts magnet school, where we put on elaborate plays and musicals. I lobbied for The Miracle Worker, the story of Keller and her amazing teacher Annie Sullivan, for some time (alas, to no avail) .

I wrote my senior AP English capstone project about Helen Keller. I read all of her books (there are many — a great start is her The Story of My Life) and wrote a play about an incident in which she was accused of plagiarizing a children’ s story. In her writing, Keller referred to this plagiarism accusation as the worst thing that ever happened to her.

This is a woman who was deaf and blind. And being accused of dishonesty, when she sincerely did not believe she had committed the offense, was way worse to her than any of her so-called disabilities. What does this say to us about Keller’s approach to life, her attitude?

To me, what has always been so intriguing about Helen Keller is that she took what so many of us would see as impossible obstacles in stride. She did not find them as important as bigger issues in our times and among people. And she based her idea of success in life not around her disabilities, but around her relationships with others. The more I read of her writings, the more I understood the power of this.

Many who have not read her deeply may think of Helen Keller only as a champion for the blind and deaf. Which she was, of course. But in her mind that did not nearly define her. What defined her was her character, particularly in relation to the people in her life. And when her integrity and character were questioned by one of those people, she found that way worse than any external “problem” she ever had.

A lot of times, when women in particular prioritize relationships over some other external aspect of success we are considered “weak.” Yet, I think Keller’s approach to life is the strongest, most powerful way to live. If we focus on our connections with one another — attempting to grow and learn together, to give and take, to become deeper and more compassionate people through our relationships — how much more can we accomplish than if we try to live in our own little boxes and think only of #1?

If anyone can give power to this idea it is Helen Keller. She did live in a figurative box, with no sight or sound at a time when people truly believed this meant no life. She found ways to communicate and to love — with the help of others, of course. And at the end of her days, she saw those deep connections with others as the highest testament to who she was — her greatest successes.

It’s not easy to be interconnected as we are, to communicate clearly, to understand one another’s intentions. But, taking a lesson from one of my long-time heroes, for me, the greatest successes in my life revolve more around my deep connections with the people in it — and thus a deeper connection with myself and with something way bigger than me — than any independent accomplishment I could name.

My father-in-law recently sent a book for my husband, which I grabbed first and couldn’t put down. It’s called The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin.

Waitzkin was the child world chess champion who inspired the lauded early-90’s book and movie, Searching for Bobby Fisher. As a young man, he also became world champion several times over in the martial art of Tai Chi Chuan (related to Tai Chi, which my father-in-law practices religiously). Now 29, Waitzkin writes with the wisdom of one many times his age.

The book was fascinating on many levels, and I highly recommend it (DH can’t put it down now!). Waitzkin writes on the premise that he is “not good at chess, or good at Thai Chi Chuan, but he is good at learning.” Then he painstakingly breaks down his learning processes in becoming world champion in two very different pastimes — and becoming a happier person in spite of his titles, not because of them.

Here are just a few messages that struck me from this book:

1. Understand the true nature of success.

Waitzkin writes in the introduction, “I had won eight national championships and had more fans, public support and recognition than I could dream of, but none of this was helping my search for excellence, let alone for happiness.” He realized young that fame is “profoundly hollow,” he says. The love of chess he started with began to dissipate the more tournaments he won.

It’s a familiar warning, one we see often — as in lately with poor Britney Spears in her miserable fall from the height of fame. Waitzkin, unlike many young celebrities, though, had the good sense (and good family) to pull back and try to rediscover what made him happy. He understood that it is a deep sense of inner joy that makes one feel successful, and no amount of external praise or rewards can create that. This knowledge led Waitzkin on a mental, physical and spiritual journey that he outlines in the book.

2. Have a certain attitude toward learning.

As a recovering overachiever and a parent, I was particularly interested in Waitzkin’s research on a certain theory of intelligence and learning, which categorizes people as either entity learners or incremental learners. In brief, entity learners see their skill or intelligence level at a given task as a fixed entitity (as in, “I’m good at cooking” or “I’m bad at drawing”). Incremental learners tend to attribute their successes or failures at tasks as attributable to their amount of effort or work, truly believing they can master anything with enough energy put in.

Entity learners tend not to take risks, and tend to get emotionally crushed by any type of defeat. Incremental learners have been found to be much quicker to accept a challenge they may not succeed at, and don’t tend to take defeat as a personal failing. They push themselves farther, and enjoy it more.

Please read Waitzkin’s discussion of this, as I’m not doing it justice, but here is the bottom line: Most of us are entity learners. We don’t risk a lot of tasks we are afraid we may not be good at. We let failures destroy our self-confidence. We don’t truly believe we can do more. And there is another way!

I admit to being an entity learner (witness my first-grade failure story and discussion of overachievers); and my husband, too, finds himself in the description. (He remembers a teacher telling his mother in fifth grade that he wouldn’t try anything he didn’t think he’d be good at. This describes many an overachiever I know!!). It’s like taking the easier class because you know you can get an “A” instead of the class that’s unfamiliar and more challenging.

I’d love to learn to become an incremental learner. Mostly, I’d love to encourage our daugther to be one. It simply opens up a world of joy and possibilities we simply miss out on by saying “I’m bad at ______” or by being afraid to fail.

3. Flow calmly amidst chaos.

Waitzkin has a real Buddhist sensibility, and uses Eastern principles in his training. A key principle for him is understanding that success comes when one allows chaos and change and the unexpected to happen, and works with it, rather than against it. To remain calm and present in every moment.

He describes dirty tricks in both chess and martial arts competitions, designed to get competitors angry or distracted, that often work. (Chess players kicking their opponent under the table; martial arts officials changing the rules for foreign teams at the last minute…)

Then he outlines how he learned to see these dirty tricks for what they are: opportunities for him to dig deeper and concentrate harder. How many of us really see mean people, unfair actions, or major annoyances as opportunities? It’s much easier said than done. But Waitzkin explains in a way I haven’t seen before exactly how he does it.

There is so much more to this book than I’ve written here; it truly got me and DH thinking. I’d say it will do the same for anyone open to it. (And all 27 Amazon reviewers gave it five stars!) Please, if you read it, let me know what you think!

And, in the spirit of the book, I offer you these questions: How much of success do you think is internal, rather than external? Do you think you are an entity learner or an incremental learner? How do you handle the unexpected “dirty tricks” that come your way in life?

Have you seen any of the news coverage on the recent interview with the biggest lottery winner ever? Jack Whittaker was already a millionaire businessman when he won the $318 million jackpot, but the 59-year-old claims, now five years later, that the large and public increase in wealth destroyed his marriage, lost him his friends, intensified the troubles of his granddaughter, who then died of a drug overdose. Basically, he says winning the lottery ruined his life.

Now, there are a lot of issues to untangle in this story, the first of which is that obviously this man had troubles before winning the lottery; they were just amplified by the windfall. But, I bring his story up because it rings to true to other stories we hear about lottery winners — that the “dream-come-true” windfall doesn’t necessarily solve a person’s problems, and may actually bring more sorrows than joys in the long run.

I flash back to my days as a college resident advisor, when I was in charge of a women’s floor in an international dorm. Burned in my mind is the image of a young woman, from a working-class Cuban-American neighborhood in Florida, sitting on my single dorm bed crying so hard that her contact lenses poured out of her eyes with her tears. She was telling me about how her father had won the lottery, and this event had basically torn apart their community and their family.

Money was never a big topic in our house, growing up. We didn’t have extra, but we had enough to get by. We were necessarily frugal, but also fine, is the message I received. I’ve learned, through my experiences, that this is where I’m actually most comfortable. Having more doesn’t make me too much more happy (and in fact can sometimes bring more anxiety), and having less doesn’t actually make me less happy (of course, I’ve always had enough to get by).

There are now studies that actually back up this idea. Psychologists have found that money only improves happiness if it takes people out of abject poverty. Otherwise, once we have enough for food and shelter, extra money has does not make us empirically happier.

Ironically (as I started writing this post three days ago), today at my Unitarian Universalist fellowship (a liberal, interfaith congregation), a guest minister from Northern California, Rev. Erika Hewitt, spoke about happiness. Her goal (with a background in psychology herself) was to explode cultural myths about happiness, particularly those that say if we just think a certain way, we will be happy, and we have total control over this thinking.

Rev. Hewitt quoted current psychological research that says we are each born with a baseline of happiness, and whether we win a million bucks or lose our limbs, after a period of elation or melancholy from such extreme events, within about a year we tend to return to our baseline happiness, throughout our lives. (She quoted from the book Stumbling on Happiness by Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, which I plan to check out.)

If this is true, could the lottery perhaps attract people who feel dissatisfied with their lives, and think a jackpot would solve their problems — then, after they win, they return to their baseline outlook and find they are still basically dissatisfied and unhappy? Or, would a generally happy person win the lottery and discover they were no happier a year later, either?

One of the themes of big winner Jack Whittaker’s story is that he blames the lottery win for his problems. A psychologist friend of mine was telling me the other day that this blaming on events, too, may actually be in part an inherent trait — this one of anxious people. For example, if an anxious person observes a drowning, she will become afraid of the water — blaming the tragedy for her fear. If a less anxious person observes the same event, she may not internalize it that way, and will still love swimming thereafter.

So, the question is still outlook or attitude, just how much is in our control and how much is hard-wired? Can we change our basic happiness, anxiety level, or outlook?

I’ve sat on this post for a few days and now have new info to process (and a toddler giving up naps), so I’m just going to put it out there while I have a moment, a bit jumbled I apologize, and see what comes of it. Since I don’t have a pithy closing for this one — no wise thought to conclude with — I will end with these ponderings:

What do you think winning the lottery would do for your happiness, immediately and in the long run? What role does money play in your own fantasies or life story? How much do you believe you are in control of your reactions to life’s events? And, who wants to read Stumbling On Happiness with me, to explore this infinitely complicated issue further?

I was lucky to “cyber-meet” writer mama Amy Mercer when we participated together in an online writing class taught by the “official” Writer Mama, Christina Katz. (That class, and Christina, were the impetus for me launching this blog, by the way!). The Writers on the Rise class was on platform-building for writers, and many of us were struggling to define our platform (mission statement, focus), questioning, kvetching, trying on this and that.

Amy was one of the only class participants who had her platform down from day one, and just needed a nudge in launching it. Amy’s platform is about being a woman with diabetes, and helping other women with diabetes, especially younger ones who are living through what she already has.

I instantly became sucked into Amy’s platform — her blog, articles, and books-to-be — because I know well that health is the absolute, fundamental foundation of “having enough.” Without our health, everything looks different, every challenge is harder. And Amy has faced this reality every day for most of her life, with dire consequences if she doesn’t. She did this as a teenager. And now as a 36-year-old woman with kids. And a writing career. She has a lot to share with us.

Here are Amy’s answer’s to my “four questions”:

1) What does “having enough” mean to you?

Having enough. Hmmmmm….I don’t know if I’ve ever believed I had enough. I am definitely a grass is always greener kind of girl and I struggle with that straight jacket on an almost daily basis.

As a woman who quit her well paying job when my first child was born, and haven’t gone back yet, my husband and I have been living on a fixed income for what feels like forever. I want to be the kind of person for who living within my means is a lifestyle choice, the kind of person who recycles her children’s clothing, who lives in a small house, drives an old car and cooks dinner every night because it’s better for the environment not because I can’t afford to go shopping, buy a bigger house or go out to dinner more often.

I even want to be the kind of person who writes just because I love to write, the kind of person who doesn’t care about being published, but that’s just not me. I think the only thing I’m sure I have enough of, is my two boys!

2) What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

On that note, I do cringe at the idea of having it all. I believe we are a wasteful culture and I alternate between being green with envy and feeling nauseous when I see the giant homes, giant SUV’s, giant bodies eating giant portions (not envious here) around me.

I grew up in New England and come from a family that believes, “Everything in moderation” is the way to go. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 14 years old so having it all, as far as food was concerned, was never an option for me. So it’s probably my Protestant/Diabetic upbringing that is very anti-having it all.

3) How do you define success?

To me, the definition of success is a mixed bag. I know I feel best on the days when I have woken up well rested with a good blood sugar reading, had a great morning run, got my kids off to school without too much trouble and can come home to write.

I feel successful when I am on a roll writing, when something I write gets published, when someone likes the story idea I want to tell. I felt successful the other day when I apologized to my son for being grouchy and he said, “that’s okay mom, you’re a famous writer!” (my name was in the paper that day for a book signing!) I’ll feel successful when a book publisher agrees to publish my anthology, Dreaming About Water, a collection of personal essays and practical advice by and for women living with diabetes.

4) Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

The moment that stands out for me is when I quit my job. I knew I couldn’t go back to work and leave my new baby with a nanny or a day care provider. I didn’t care what kind of sacrifices we had to make, I was ready to sell our house and move into something more affordable so I could stay home with Will. There was just no way I was going to do anything but.

I am an introvert by nature, I am not someone who is comfortable asking for what I want but this time I knew I had to. I stood up for myself and refused to back down from that decision and I have never regretted it.

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Readers, how does health factor into your vision of “having enough”? Do you take your health for granted? How do you deal with health challenges?

I’m honored to have the second of my series of Four-Question Interviews be with author Deborah Siegel. Deborah is a Ph.D., writer and consultant specializing in women’s issues. She is the author of the new book, Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild and has written about women, sex, feminism, contemporary families, and popular culture for a variety of publications, including The Guardian, The Huffington Post, The American Prospect, Psychology Today, The Progressive, The Mothers Movement Online, and on her blog, Girl with Pen.

I was introduced to Deborah through Miriam Peskowitz, also an author I admire who is now becoming a colleague and friend. Another academic feminist now writing “on the outside,” Miriam is author of The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars and the forthcoming Daring Book for Girls, with Andrea Buchanan, with whom she also founded Mother Talk. (BTW, I got a sneak peek at the Daring Book when Miriam asked me to do a little story editing of her early chapter drafts — I can tell you it’s a must-read, soon-to-be-classic!)

Knowing this group of women is exciting, because they have much to say that matters, about many topics, including Having Enough. Deborah’s answers to my four questions blew me away — her candor, knowledge and insight made me stop and just breathe for a bit. I bet they do the same for you…

1. What does “having enough” mean to you?

Nothing says “retool” like a bout of bad depression. Depression was horrid (wouldn’t wish it on my enemies), but depression was also my teacher. Like marriage or childbirth does for some people, depression divided my life into a “before” and an “after.” Before, my goals were all about an end. After, everything became about the journey. Before, I could not have defined “having enough”; there was always something more to achieve. After, the most important goal in my life became to love well and be well loved.

Having enough, to me, means awakening to that boundless sense of compassion we are all capable of feeling—for ourselves, for others—and realizing that we are already, with all our human imperfections, enough.

2. What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

It’s interesting to me how the lexicon around “having it all” keeps changing. In the 1980s, having it all meant shoulder pads, diapers, and the corner office. Then came “juggling,” the flipside of which, of course, was “dropping the ball.” There was also “balance,” which similarly implied its opposite: falling down.

Now we have “sequencing” (you can have it all, just not all at once!) and its still more recent correlative, “on ramping and off ramping” (a terminology which shifts the burden for making work and family work together to workplaces instead of individuals). Instead of talking about “work/life balance,” some now talk about “work + life fit” —a vast improvement, in my opinion. What I find most heartening, though, is the way we are finally beginning to widen the conversation about “having it all” to include men.

To me, having it all never seemed possible unless there was a partner—male, female, or hired—in the picture, doing their share to keep things going at home. I remember coming across a book once called Halving It All, which focuses on the ins and outs of shared parenting. I think that’s a very clever—and much-welcome—riff.

3. How do you define success?

Borrowing from a writer I admire, I would say that “success” means living in chapters and giving yourself fully to the chapter you are on. It means embracing the present, learning to cohabit with discomfort, and paying attention to your heart.

4. Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

I took an extended break during graduate school, when I was ABD (all-requirements-for-PhD-completed-but-for-the-dissertation, or, in layterms, all-but-done). I had hit a point where I just couldn’t push myself any further and needed a change of path.

I took a 6-month leave of absence as a precursor to a possibly more permanent leave, left the Midwest, moved to Manhattan, and gave myself full permission to be satisfied without completing the degree. That license liberated me. After six years of pushing myself toward a single goal that had lost its meaning once I knew that I didn’t want to go on the academic job market, I allowed myself free reign to reinvent.

The irony was this: Once I allowed myself to say “no, enough,” I was finally able to
choose “yes.” I finished my dissertation, graduated with my PhD, and went on to become a writer–my longtime dream.

How do you relate to Deborah’s answers? Have you had a “having enough” turning point?

Part of my vision for this blog is a series of “four-question interviews.” I’ve written four questions around the theme of Having Enough, and I’d like to get a variety of people to answer them, from authors and thinkers I admire to people I know in my personal sphere who have made life choices that seem in keeping with my mission here.

I’m proud to have my first interviewee come from within my family. My brother Jeff is 35 and a committed husband and dad to two sons, ages 4 and 9. He and his wife Gretchen are pros at thinking outside the box and making lemonade out of lemons. When they lost a child, born prematurely, between their two boys, they started a non-profit to help others with preemies. When their third-grader was struggling in school despite the fact that he was devouring 300-page books at home, they decided to home school, and now he’s thriving.

And, last year, when they moved into their dream house (a brand new five-bedroom home on the Chesapeake Bay) and realized it was more than they needed, not to mention more expensive and resource-sucking than they wanted, they sold it and downsized, big-time. Now the family of four lives in a 1,000-square-foot renovated farm house on a heaping acre-plus in suburban Maryland. They’re growing their own food, raising chickens and angora bunnies, and working toward a different dream — running a self-sustaining home farm business.

Jeff still works as marketing director at a company outside Washington, DC (another interesting “having enough” choice, as he describes below) and now spends his free time farming and learning about alternative energy options (including the corn stove they just bought, using their home-grown corn to heat the house and feed the chickens!). He also designed the Having Enough logo and my freelance business web site, by the way (how lucky am I?).

Here are my brother’s to-the-point answers to my Four Questions:

1) What does “having enough” mean to you?

Having enough time and financial flexibility to spend as much time as possible at home with my family.

2) What do you think about the concept of “having it all” in our culture?

I think that American consumerism (and the rest of the world following suit) is a major culprit in the problems that our society is currently facing and will continue to face in the future unless attitudes and actions change.

3) How do you define success?

Same as having enough – having enough time and financial flexibility to spend as much time as possible at home with my family.

4) Can you describe a defining moment in your life when you had to choose between “having enough” or pushing for more? (And how did it turn out for you?)

I recently received a promotion at work and after three months I went back to my previous position at my previous compensation – what good is status and money if you don’t get to watch your kids grow up? As far as how it turned out for me, it was the best thing that could have ever happened – I love my life and now I know for sure that climbing the corporate ladder is not for me.

Stay tuned for upcoming four-question interviews — next up, a feminist author fresh back from her latest book tour!