Having Enough (In a Have-It-All World)

Yes, it’s summer, and lots of people are going on vacations. In our house, and many others around this gas-price-obscene country of ours, we are instead going on a “stay-cation.”

What’s a stay-cation, you ask? Staying home and relaxing. Enjoying one another’s company. Checking out of constant email contact and daily computer time. Letting voicemail pick up sometimes. Watching Netflix DVDs in the evenings after the child is sleeping. Taking family walks to the playground after dinner. Eating lazy pancake breakfasts on weekdays. Having picnic lunches at the nearby beach. Enjoying leisurely visits from out-of-town friends and family. Vacation, but at home.

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

So, for the month of July, I will be on stay-cation. I hope you’ll come back and see me again in August when I will return to my writing and hard-thinking work. And I hope you all enjoy the month, as I will, taking a little time to think less and relax more.

** P.S. If you actually do want to do some great thinking in July on Having Enough-type topics, I recommend checking out these two books (we can talk about them in August!):

Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself by Amy Richards

Living Simply With Children: A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads, and Kids by Marie Sherlock

Life has been busy lately, with my new weekly column on Inside Higher Ed’s Mama, PhD blog (and the book now out, too!), an essay of mine coming out in the next issue of my beloved Mothering Magazine (very excited about this) and my Barefoot Books side business (also going well) – not to mention my husband wrapping up his teaching year and a new multiplication workbook coming out as part of our other home business, MathRaps (more excitement for us, can you see me clapping with glee?).

Oh, and yes, a very busy and needy two-year-old whose destruction we follow like storm-chasers and whom we still wake up with at all hours. (Good thing she’s cute.)

And, by the way, did I mention I’m pregnant? Nine weeks and counting.

Yes, friends, that is the biggest news in this Having Enough household. Our cup actually runneth over. We’re just at the brink of too busy – not quite there yet and DH’s summer break has come just in time to pull back and spend some relaxing family time at the beach and such. Still, it’s very easy to forget there is actually a teeny, tiny little being starting to grow inside of me.

And that’s why I jumped at the chance to review the new edition of A. Christine Harris’ The Pregnancy Journal for MotherTalk! A book to remind me every day to stop (for a moment) chasing the toddler, move away from the computer, and focus on this teeny, tiny little being in there. This journal serves that purpose quite well.

Appropriately, the new edition of this “over one million sold,” spiral-bound hardcover (appropo for a journal) has more information on subsequent pregnancies rather than just first pregnancies, and even has some tips on transitioning from one child to two. Harris has updated nutritional info since her 1996 first edition, and incorporated more millennium topics such as doula-attended births, sleep-sharing and breastfeeding as well (right on!).

Most prominent, though, is still the fairly scientific, daily tracking of baby’s development in utero. And, whether a first pregnancy or subsequent, I will say that it is just as amazing to know every day what exactly is going on in my uterus as I grow another human being.

Each day, Harris provides detailed descriptions of the baby’s development – like, today, for example. I’m at Day 46. With 220 days to go, she tells me. And what’s junior up to in there?

Her/his nose is beginning to develop around the nasal sacks, “the elbow region is clearly visible and the arms have a complete network of arteries and veins.” Also, this little being has toe ridges and “the skin on the foot plate folds down between the future toes, distinguishing each from the other.” Two days ago was when the earliest recordable brain waves occurred, and in the next week a tongue will develop, elbows will bend and external ears will form. Kind of amazing, isn’t it? All while I chase around kid #1 and type away.

Harris also tells me today that I will continue to notice breast changes, like tingling and tenderness (yes, a whole new level as a nursing mom, in fact!). And gives me a little spiel on Vitamin A, why I need it and what food to eat (yellow, orange, and dark green vegetables, if you’re wondering).

She also peppers the journal with facts on childbirth in other cultures and in history, which I love. Filipino tribes historically thought eating twin bananas would cause twins and eating eggplant would result in dark-skinned babies (that kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?). And, Harris tells us, in modern Sweden pain medication is the choice of the mother and “birth is seen as the woman’s accomplishment.” And prenatal care and midwife-attended births are free to all women there. Hmmm, what a concept.

On that note, I’ll say here that the book walks a nice line between the typical Western medical, OB-attended model of birth and the more natural, alternative midwife/homebirth model, as well as the line between the typical American diet and the vegetarian-type ones. While she leans more toward the mainstream, it’s nice to see her actually mentioning vegetarians and midwives as valid alternatives (perhaps even a little subliminal messaging in these tidbits about “other cultures”?). Those on the natural side will need their Penny Simkin, Sheila Kitzinger and Ina May Gaskin books to supplement this for sure, but I like that at least the more lefty ways of eating and birthing are recognized.

In short, The Pregnancy Journal is a great book to have on hand during any pregnancy – as a teaching tool, a reminder and an eye-opener about the daily changes and bigger picture. I have to admit, with all I have going on, I’m not using the journal questions so much, but just using it as an information source and check-in on child #2’s development inside as I care for child #1 out here. I’d think different women would use it in different ways, depending on personality and time constraints, etc., but it is nicely flexible for anyone.

I’ll also add that when I received this book from the publisher I realized that it was by the same author of the book I had with child #1, Baby’s First Year Journal, which was also wonderful to have (and I did use more as a journal, jotting down milestones to someday transfer to an actual baby book).

Anyway, thanks to MotherTalk for taking on this book, and thumbs up and thanks to A. Christine Harris for The Pregnancy Journal. It’s getting me and baby #2 off to a nice start. (And that is enough!)

In honor of Father’s Day this weekend, I want to express my gratitude for three amazing father figures in my life: my maternal grandfather, my father, and my husband. I realize not everyone is fortunate enough to have this many fathering role models. I realize how critical it is for our selves, our families, and our communities to have men like these who exemplify marital partnership and paternal presence. I am so fortunate.

I especially want to recognize my husband on this day — one of the new generation of fathers who do not think twice about giving their full time and attention to family first, and diving into poopy diapers like pros. At the same time, my DH gives of himself to dozens of students every day as a middle school math teacher. He is a role model to so many boys and girls, in a community where unfortunately many children have no paternal role models at home.

I’m so proud that he makes a difference to so many of us. And that he was honored this year as “Teacher of the Year” for his school district. While simultaneously building a relationship with our daughter that is close and filled with humor and love and respect — the same with his relationship with me.

In his honor — and my dad’s honor, as a professor; and my grandfather’s honor, as a teacher by degree and in everyday life — I’m making my next monthly quote/affirmation (we won’t say for what month — who’s counting, right?!) about teaching. Because a good teacher, like a good father, is a gem that makes a true difference in the world.

Happy Father’s Day.

A good teacher is a master of simplification and an enemy of simplism.
– Louis A. Berman

To recognize all I have to learn — and always will have to learn — is part of being an evolving person. To analyze the complexities of our world with clarity, respect, passion, and often wonder — to students, children, peers — is part of my contribution. To honor those who teach me shows that I understand gratitude, and what is most important in this life.

REPEAT: I honor my learning, and I honor my teaching. To continue this cycle: that is enough.

I had this big button that hung on my bulletin board for years, all through college, and for a good ten years after in my various home offices. I’m not sure what happened to it, but I still think of it:

To do is to be. - Socrates

To be is to do. - Plato

DoBeDoBeDo. - Sinatra

Clearly we live in a culture of doers. What we “do” is often the first question people ask one another on meeting. I definitely get into major “do” modes myself, and I think I’m in one now. On the computer late into the night, waking up at 5am with ideas and to-do’s chattering in my brain.

Of course, doing can be a good thing. I tend to get invigorated when the ideas are flowing and the work is happening. Studies show that the longer we “do” in life, the longer we live, in many cases.

On the other hand, we can take our doing too far. Forgetting to stop and enjoy, or to take care of ourselves. To sleep, for me. I think we often need a good dose of “be” to temper the “do” and feel balanced in our lives. Some quiet. Some attention. Some nothing.

Here in coastal California, the “just be” attitude is certainly more appreciated than in other parts of the country that I’ve lived in. My years in Washington, DC, were so filled with doers and doing that I kind of ran screaming back here for some sanity.

In our little family now, when we get too far into “do” mode, we nudge each other to take some “be” time. To stop running around on a Sunday evening and drive over to the beach, lay a blanket out on the sand and eat dinner slowly, and play a little. Then do again tomorrow.

So, as I write this at 5am, at my computer, my DD sleeping soundly in the next room, I think I’ll take my dose of “be” to temper my doing this month. And I’ll remember the other lesson of my kitzchy little button — not to think too hard all the time.

I’ll take a lesson from the sleeping child, and the crooning Sinatra, take a deep breath and laugh. Honor the ideas and work, but still try to turn the brain off for a few hours tonight. And be. And do again later. Be. Do. And DoBeDoBeDo.

Here’s to a DoBeDoBeDo week to you, too.

I’ve had this quote on my fridge for years now, and a friend who visited recently emailed me after she got home and asked me for the quote.  It really is a profound concept, which speaks so aptly to Having Enough:

“Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed.” - John Tarrant.

The quote helps me stop if I’m feeling rushed to do too many things.  Stop and pay attention.  If I’m frustrated with the demands of a toddler.  Stop and pay attention.  Time goes all too fast.  If my husband and I are butting heads; stop and pay attention.  He just wants attention, too.

It goes with another tenet I love, from Jack Kornfield, I think:  At the bottom of it all, everyone just wants to be appreciated and understood.

To do this, we must pay attention.  I must pay attention.

I don’t think I’ll ever remove that quote from my fridge.

At my UU Fellowship this morning, a longtime couple, two women who are active and beloved in the community, stood up and announced they are getting married on June 21st.  People stood and cheered and cried (me included). And we serenaded them with a song called “Standing on the Side of Love.”

So many of us take for granted the option of getting married, mull over our thoughts of this institution and whether we want to “be a part of it.”  But how would we feel if we were told we could not be a part of it?  Not be allowed the same rights as our neighbors, family members and friends?  Would it take on different meaning then?  I bet so.

In my view, it is not enough, and we are not a truly successful democracy, until all citizens truly have equal rights.  On June 21, these women will exercise theirs in our fine state of California.  Hallelujah.

As long as I’m being a bit controversial tonight, I just want to say a big “hooray” to the California Supreme Court for legalizing gay marriage today — and send a big plea to Californians to NOT sign the petitions (hugely funded by the far-right) to get a prop on the ballot to strike it down.

Enough inequality.  Enough discrimination.  Enough energy wasted trying to stop others from having rights.  I don’t understand why opponents care so much, how it harms them in any way.  I really don’t.

Oh, I may get flamed for bringing up this hot topic, but I don’t care.  I’m sure proud of my state tonight for having enough.

My awesome writer-mom-of-four friend Melissa at Making Things Up tagged me for a meme to write a “six-word memoir.” Now, being the Having Enough gal, you’d think it would be easy to come up with a few pithy words to encapsulate my life.

But, alas, I’m late on this meme like my Odyssey book report in 10th grade because I just can’t seem to get my brain there. Rather than drag out the procrastination, though, I’ll just throw one out, and not worry about the grade:

Overachiever turns happy by letting go.

My daughter is obsessed with dandelions.  She wants to pick dandelions daily.  She collects them like priceless treasures.  She wants me to make up stories about dandelions (which now also usually involve fairies that live among them).

She calls every flower a dandelion and every picture of a flower a dandelion.  Not because she doesn’t have the verbal capacity to name other flowers (in fact, she can say “rhododendron” quite well), but because she loves the bright yellow flowers you can find anywhere and everywhere, and because they turn into wish-makers when they get old.

I know, they’re weeds.  That’s what makes it even cooler.  Her pure joy over a simple weed.  It’s so Buddhist, so Thich Nhat Hanh.  To see the wonder in a weed.  Talk about having enough.

So, to celebrate the joy and beauty of simple flowers, and weeds that pop up to remind us of the real colors of life, here’s a little surprise for you.  Just roll your mouse and click, and think of the thrill of a two-year-old over a dandelion.

Peace.

Have you heard about the Last Lecture?  It’s a thing universities do, where they invite popular professors to give a lecture as if it will be their last, giving sage advice from their experience, even if they are nowhere near the end of their career.

One physics professor was chosen to give the Last Lecture last year at Carnegie Mellon University, and found out sometime between his selection and the lecture day that he was dying of pancreatic cancer, at 49, with a wife and young children.  He was told by doctors he had a few months of good health left.

This lecture, on his life lessons and achieving his dreams, has taken on a life of its own on the internet and beyond, and apparently ABC News is doing a special on the professor Wednesday night. (The text of the lecture is there, too.)

The bulk of his message?  Follow your dreams.  Think of others. Ask for what you want.  Take feedback.  Don’t give up.  He considers his life a success, in large part because he followed his own unique path.  Not everyone will share his particular dreams, but his lessons on how he achieved them are clearly resonating.

And, he is yet another person who reminds us that life is fleeting and we must embrace each day fully.  Decide to be a Tigger not an Eyeore, he says.  Keep a sense of humor.  Learn.  Love one another.

What would you say in your Last Lecture?  Something to think about.